Confessions of a Recovering Legalist

Tuesday night as I sat in Idea Night in Northern California, several church leaders sat down to hear powerful sessions from other church leaders.

The first session we heard in Fremont, California was Josh Teis speaking on sustainable self-care for the ministry. With pen in his hand and ultimately on his ear, Josh spoke about the importance of regular rest, friendships in ministry, boundaries in both our personal and ministry lives, and then finally the importance of mentors in our lives.

Each principle was something many, if not all ministry leaders, struggle

with from time to time or perhaps all the time. 

It is not that I had never heard them before; they are principles that I have heard and known for years. But there was a disconnect for me for many years between knowing about them and doing something with them.

For me, the only thing more frustrating than not knowing what to do is to know what to do and not do anything about it. 

Over the last year, I have been learning to prioritize rest, boundaries, friendships, and mentors. I’m not great at it yet, but I’m thankful for movement in the right direction. But for close to two decades of ministry, I did not. Yes, I rested from time to time, but definitely not biblical rest. I’ve had some great friends in the ministry. I even had some boundaries, but not near enough. This was hurting my personal and ministry life. 

Last night as I was listening to Josh speak, I asked myself, “Why did it take me so long to finally add these to my life?” I want to take a moment and share them with you because as I shared them last night, I learned that it is the same for many as well. 

Guilt

The first reason I struggled with applying these truths to my life is false guilt. Guilt can be a

powerful tool in our lives. The conviction of the Holy Spirit has helped me to realize many times the need for change in my life. Every time that conviction helped bring me to the end of me was hard in the moment. But brokenness is a gift from God to bring me to a place where I focus on Him again.

As a recovering legalist, I often struggle with false guilt. The guilt feels very real at the moment. There have been times that I thought it was conviction from the Spirit. But that guilt is almost always rooted in fear. God has not given us the spirit of fear. False guilt has driven my decisions and actions too many times in my life.

False guilt even led me to do good, but it never led me to God.

Voices of my past, even from sermons I heard, often led me down the wrong path. It’s

funny how the enemy loves to take godly words and use them against us.  Life is much better being guided by the Spirit of truth rather than being guided by false guilt. 

Imaginary Critics

The second reason is similar but very different. For too long, I lived with the belief that there was always someone looking over my shoulder. Whenever I was not in the office during “office hours,” I believed someone was looking over my shoulder saying, “What are you doing? You should be studying God’s Word right now.” Whenever I took my kids on a field trip, I felt it. Whenever I was enjoying ministry-related events, I felt it. If I had a late-night ministering during a hospital visit the night before and I slept in the next day, I felt it.

In my first senior pastorate, I formed in my mind two of the biggest critics in my church and together they made this imaginary person that I felt was looking over my shoulder. Then when I became pastor four years ago here in California, the two biggest critics began to form again.

The most freeing thing I can say right

now is there is no one looking over your shoulder.

Just because we feel it is true does not mean that it is true. If there is someone like that, let me encourage you to focus on developing stronger boundaries or consider getting a restraining order.

Christ is in you and Christ is for you.

I write these to encourage you to learn from my mistakes. I pray that you will have the courage to take the truths we learned about sustainable self-care last

night as we run this ministry marathon. When we run at a sustainable pace, we will get to a

better place. I pray God’s best for you all.

One Big Idea: Life is much better guided by the Spirit of truth rather than being guided by false guilt.

joessmith2@gmail.