It Is Supposed To Hurt

By, Lysandra Osterkamp

Why does it hurt so deeply when people leave our churches?

Why does it hurt so deeply when people leave our churches? Because it’s supposed to. We’ve all experienced the profound pain which accompanies a family in the church choosing to leave. People leave churches for a variety of reasons. It doesn’t seem to matter why people leave; it hurts the leadership of church.

People leaving the church hurts because it’s supposed to hurt.

If we’re loving them like Jesus commanded us to love them, it will hurt to see them leave. John 13:34, ““A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” Jesus commands us very clearly to love people like Jesus loves us. How are we to love our church people like Jesus? What does that look like? Ephesians 5:2-3, “Therefore be imitators of God as beloved children. Walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave Himself for us as a fragrant offering and a sacrifice to God.” Jesus loved us to the point of sacrifice. He gave His life for us. We as church leaders are to invest our time, money, energy, and our very lives into the people we serve. This is how we love like Jesus loved us.

If we love like Jesus,

investing everything we have, everything we are, it will hurt when people leave. We are also told to love people like we love ourselves. Galatians 5:14, “For the entire law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” There are several places we’re reminded to love others as we love ourselves. How are we to love our church people like we love ourselves? What does that look like? Loving others as we love ourselves is about putting other people’s best interest first. It’s about protecting them the way we naturally desire to protect ourselves. Each of us has a genuine care and concern over what happens to us and how we’re treated. We must treat others with that same genuine care and concern.

If we’re loving our church family as Jesus loves us and as we love ourselves, their loss will penetrate our heart. It will hurt. In my studies I’ve never come across a Bible passage that tells us to harden our heart, protect it from loving others, or put walls up as defense against hurt. I haven’t seen a place in scripture where a hard heart is described as a good thing.

What we will find is the encouragement to be tenderhearted. In 2 Kings 22:11,18-20 We see how King Josiah was rewarded for His tender heart toward God and toward people. 11 “When the king had heard the words of the Book of the Law, he tore his clothes. 18 But to the king of Judah who sent you to inquire of the Lord, thus shall you say to him, “Thus says the Lord God of Israel with regard to the words you have heard: 19 Because your heart was timid, and you humbled yourself before the Lord when you heard what I spoke against this place and against its inhabitants, that they should become a desolation and a curse, and you have torn your clothes and wept before Me, I also have heard you, declares the Lord. 20 Therefore, I will gather you to your fathers, and you will be gathered to your grave in peace. Your eyes will not see all the evil which I am about to bring upon this place.” King Josiah shows in verse 11 that he genuinely cares about the people he leads. His heart is tender and loving toward his God and his people.

We are commanded to have a tender heart toward people in a very familiar passage, Ephesians 4:31-32, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outbursts, and blasphemies, with all malice, be taken away from you. 32 And be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you.” A tender heart is listed along with forgiveness and kindness as opposed to bitterness, wrath anger, outbursts, blasphemies, and malice. Which list is a description of your feelings toward the people you serve?

A heart that is hard and has walls built up around it, will not hurt when someone walks away. It has calluses which prevent anything from penetrating and causing pain. That person believes they are protecting themselves from heart ache, but in all reality that person is hurting themself. A hard heart is displeasing to God and goes against His wishes. Being out of alignment with God’s wishes is a dangerous place to be.

I’ll never forget the first time someone chose to leave our church after my husband became the lead pastor. I cried several nights over that family. It wasn’t even under bad circumstances. Their father/grandfather had been the pastor for years. He retired and my husband was voted in to become pastor. As soon as their father was no longer the pastor, they moved on to a church that better suited their preferences. I couldn’t blame them. I understood why they moved on, but it still hurt. It hurt because I loved them. It hurt because we had invested years into their family, inviting them into our home, driving their son to camps, organizing and leading mission trips with members of their family, walking with them through their family trials, and spiritually investing in each member of their family.

We loved them.

It hurt when they left. Our hearts were tender toward them. Since that time, we’ve experienced many people come and go over the years. Each one who has left causes pain because we purposely love them. I will say that there are some who have left who were much easier to see go! Yet our love for them remains.

Are you loving the people attending your church like Jesus loved us? Are you loving as yourself? Have you built up walls of protection around your heart? Is your heart hardened to prevent you from being vulnerable?

It may be time for a heart transplant. Only God can do that. Go to Him today and invite Him to do a work in your heart that only He can do. Pray as David prayed in Psalm 139:23, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my concerns, and see if there is any rebellious way in me, and lead me in the ancient way.”

May our hearts ever stay loving and tender toward the people we serve.