Marriage and Ministry for the Long Haul

We all desire to have a fruitful, energized, marriage and ministry for the long haul, but sadly some end up short circuiting before they hardly begin.

There are definite pitfalls to be avoided along the way and hopefully sharing our story will help you avoid some of those pitfalls. We would like to begin with a quote from a podcast by Aaron & Jennifer Smith (Marriage Is Your First Ministry),

“Some people are quick to say that God is calling them to do this or do that…but we firmly believe that God will not call you to sacrifice your marriage on the altar of ministry. Yet, we have seen it time and time again…marriages get neglected as people pursue God’s work. Marriage is a HUGE part of the work God is doing in the world and if we understood this, our marriages would be a light in this world drawing people closer to Him!

We wish we had read something like this a long time ago, it would truly have helped us.

Linda – We can only share the highlights of our 40+ years together, but we want to share a story, our story, and some of our experiences, good and bad, that have led us through marriage and ministry over the long haul.

It seems those of us in ministry are expected to have perfect marriages, perfect families, and perfect ministries.

That’s an impossible feat due to our many imperfections. So, we begin by sharing our Backgrounds, Personalities & Traits, and how our differences in those areas have been some of the central issues affecting our marriage and ministry, and how we continue to resolve those conflicts.

Our main struggle throughout our marriage and ministry has been our differences in a number of areas in our life. As we share our upbringing you will see how even our lives from the start were on two different paths.

Our personalities are different, Nolan is an extrovert, and I’m an introvert. He gains energy by being around others while I get easily exhausted. Nolan is a perfectionist and has OCD traits and is a rule follower. If we purchased a new item like a phone or tv he would be reading the instructions before ever taking the item out of the box. I on the other hand would probably throw the instructions away and start pushing buttons to figure out how it works.

They say opposites attract and complement each other, which we do, but sometimes opposites can cause a spark that leads to an explosion.

Nolan – I was born and raised in a small town in Central Maine. It was a picturesque village with a small Baptist Church that had a beautiful white steeple that you could clearly see as you drove into town. The town was nestled between two small mountains with a beautiful lake at the center of the town. I was the first-born son, first born grandson, first born nephew of our family. I was “number 1”. And I only mention that because being an only child and the oldest child in the family truly impacted my personality.

My mom was a Christian but dad at this time was not. He later came to the Lord through the ministry of our Church in Maine some years later. Mom took me to Church, and I was very active in Church until my mid-teens when I left the Church due to some struggles.

I made a profession of faith as a child and sensed a call to ministry also in my childhood, sensing the Lord telling me that one day I would preach from the pulpit in our Church which has now happened numerous times. So, my childhood was stable with a loving family who watched over me with much care.

Linda – I was also raised in a small rural town in central Maine, the third child of eight children. My childhood was difficult with little consistency or support. My father was an abusive alcoholic who also suffered from PTSD from his military service. When he was able to work, he worked as a woodsman and hunting guide in my early years and later as a chicken farmer and auctioneer/antique dealer.

I had no Christian exposure and didn’t hear the gospel message until I was in my later 20s. I decided at an early age that I was an agnostic or atheist because of the painful childhood experiences. And although Nolan & I lived in adjoining towns we did not meet until our late teens. We were married soon after and were blessed with 2 daughters and a son.

Nolan - Two portions of Scripture I would like to refer to as we talk about our differences are, Ephesians 6:12 where Paul writes, “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness in this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places”.

Our enemy is not the one we are married to, or any member of our family, but our true enemy does his very best to convince us otherwise.

In the heat of disagreement, it is difficult to remember the truth of God’s Word but remember we must, or we will likely hurt or destroy one another. Then in Matthew 18:19, Jesus said, “Again I say to you, that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in Heaven.”

“Agree as touching” Jesus said, but again coming from totally different backgrounds can complicate even the simplest of tasks, such as choosing a lamp. About the time of our call to ministry we realized we needed a new lamp. We agreed that we needed a new lamp and we agreed where we needed to go to buy that new lamp. We also agreed on the route to the store, and once arriving which department of the store we would go to find the lamp.

So far, we were in total agreement, but then we entered the lamp department of the store and each one chose a different lamp, which the other one thought was absolutely ugly, of course, and thus we left the store with no lamp!! We could not agree as touching the article we wanted even though all the other areas of purchasing a lamp had been agreed upon. This was a definite indicator of what was to come. These were indeed “dark” days!

Linda – In my late 20s I had a life changing conversion experience after my alcoholic father came to the Lord and attempted to make amends with his children. I was reluctant to believe his experience was real or lasting and did what I could to disprove anything he shared. He pressed me to read the Bible and being an avid reader, I felt this would help me defend my stance.

I easily read through the entire Bible rapidly but as I did the Holy Spirit revealed Jesus and His saving grace to me through the reading of the Word. Now to share that faith with my husband whom I had always refused to discuss the subject with was a whole new experience. It was at this time I sensed a real call to ministry.

Nolan - As Linda mentioned her dad had dramatic conversion experience which the Lord used to lead us not only to Himself but into fulltime ministry. I had tried on a number of occasions to witness to Linda but met with strong resistance each time. When I came home from work one day, she shared with me how she had come to faith in Christ and had committed her life to Him, and I saw the evidence that this was truly real.

I was a bit stunned. One Sunday soon after this Linda had taken our daughters to visit a Church at the end of the street. I was at home with our infant son watching the Old Time Gospel Hour. Doug Oldham was singing but I do not remember what he was singing. The Holy Spirit took the message of that song and literally broke my heart.

I remember I was on the couch but got up, ran to the kitchen, fell on the floor crying out “I’m not running anymore Lord, Here I am, do what You wish with me.” Soon after this the Lord reconfirmed His call to ministry in my life, as He had Linda, and in the Summer of 1977, we found ourselves moving from Central Maine to Northern Massachusetts where I was enrolled in the Pastoral curriculum of a Bible College.

God did a number of miracles in our lives over those next 4 years. We often would head out to school and work knowing that if the Lord did not provide, we would have little if anything to feed our family when we got home. But God was faithful, we never went hungry or cold, and we thank and Praise His Name for all that He did for us then and later.

At the time of graduation, I was allowed to do my Internship in a Church with my family with me. Upon completion of that internship the Church called us as Pastor & Wife. However, we were the 3rd Pastoral family to serve in that Church in 1 year. Needless to say, there were difficulties going on in the Church which I was far from trained for or had the sufficient experience to deal with.

The time there was very difficult for our family, and I found myself becoming very legalistic, perhaps in an attempt to bring some sort of control to a situation that seemed so out of control. But that thinking nearly destroyed our marriage and our family.

Linda – Paul writes in Ephesians 5:22-33 “22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might [b]sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, [c]of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

This was a passage that Nolan would remind me of frequently during this legalistic time in his life. I felt that at this time the Church had become his mistress and that I and the children took 2nd place.

The more controlling he became the angrier I was and the less involved I became in ministry.

Nolan– Over time we were involved in a number of ministries, trying desperately to make things work. On the surface people probably thought we were doing great and that our ministry was flourishing but the truth was that we were barely holding things together.

Due to our experience in Church planting we were asked to meet with a Church in Iowa whose church building had burned to the ground on Christmas Eve. Needless to say, when we met with them there was truly a sense that this family of believers was in deep need of healing, encouragement, and hope. We sensed the Lord leading us to Iowa and soon after we moved Linda would have the opportunity to finish her own education in pursuit of a Master's Degree in counseling.

Linda – Our move to Iowa allowed me to complete my BS degree in Psychology/Sociology in a State University, and upon completion to pursue my Master’s Degree in Counseling through Grace University in Omaha, NE. Grace University/Seminary, as part of my studies, offered me the chance to go to Israel and study for 3 weeks at the University of Jerusalem. This was a major point Nolan & I were agreed upon, and sad to say one of the few we had no difficulty making.

Nolan - I took Linda to the airport in Omaha to meet the group she would travel with to Israel. As the plane was lifting off the runway, I sensed the Lord speaking to me, “Nolan, you have wondered if your life and ministry would have been easier without Linda. I give you these 3 weeks so that you will understand what your life would be like without her.”

Sensing that message from the Lord, my heart broke.

I knew it was true and I was so desperately ashamed. I don’t know how I made it home safely as my vision was pretty much a blur of tears. Those tears continued for the next three weeks as the Lord taught me the true meaning of Ephesians 5. How I needed to lift up and provide for my wife so she could prepare for her ministry in the same manner she had done for me earlier, and that if I were obedient to my portion of that passage that she would be faithful to do the same.

Changes that were desperately needed in my life began to happen. When Linda returned the Church begged her to never leave me like that again for, I had pretty much been a basket case while she was gone. When she returned, she found a heartbroken husband who was ready to do whatever needed to be done to make things right.

The Lord had not forsaken us, but as we talked, we knew we needed to spend much more time in open, honest prayer.

We knew we needed to help each other heal from things the enemy had previously used to try and destroy us. The enemy was outside our marriage not inside. In all of our struggles our love for the Lord, and our love for one another was still very much intact, it is, He is, what kept us going.

Linda - We discovered, not too late, that two different sets of blueprints would not work in building a relationship and family. God had a blueprint for our lives, but we had struggled so long with our own ideas of what that was that we had not taken the time to sit down together and make sure we were both on the same page, His page.

From a counselor’s perspective we should have taken a time out in our ministry to work on our marriage.

You would assume that a Pastor and a Therapist who are married would be able to resolve their personal struggles. But sometimes you need an outside perspective. Early on we should have received discipling on marriage and ministry, but it was not available at that time.

We should have done more to protect our children from the pressures that are imposed on the pastoral family. Looking back on our lives, we should have done a lot of things different.

Thank God that His Grace abounds, and love covers a multitude of sins.

Nolan - Even though we are retired, the long haul continues in marriage & in ministry. Our commitment to one another in marriage continues to be strengthened.

God has shown us how our differences, our gifts and abilities, are given to us to complete each other and not to compete with each other.

The Lord continues to open doors of ministry, because marriage and ministry are all about the Glory of God. I paraphrase a quote from Dennis Rainey in his Family Life Blog, “From the beginning, marriage has been central to God’s glory on planet Earth. The Bible begins with a marriage and ends with a marriage. God created marriage to reflect His Image, to reproduce a godly heritage, and to stand together in spiritual battle. Your marriage, your covenant keeping love, will be your greatest witness of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

One Big Idea: Your differences, gifts, and abilities, are given to complete each other and not to compete with each other.