"I Have/Had a Dad in my House, but I was/am Basically Fatherless"

Take the Fathering Presence Quiz

by Sean & Jackie Teis

Fatherlessness is a real issue today. In fact, it is the number one social issue in the United States of America. Fatherlessness causes crime, homosexuality, gender identity, abortion, addictions, suicide, school dropouts, poverty, mental issues, etc.

“Fatherless Children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy, and criminality.” – U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, National Center for Health Statistics, Survey on Child Health, Washington, DC, 1993.

Fatherless families number into the millions!

The title of this article says it all. After speaking at churches and events we hear something similar to this quite often. Basically what they are saying is that they had a dad that was physically present but he was absent either mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or a combination of two or three of these areas.

Families with a physically present dad that is absent mentally, emotionally, or spiritually cause their children to be fatherless and as a result are 10X's the amount of fatherless children and teens.

Dads you matter. Sometimes we need a reality check. Am I a dad that is actually present? Am I present not only physically but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? Am I actually fulfilling my calling of being the best dad that I can possibly be?

We often look at other dads that aren't physically present in their kids lives and we think "man, they are horrible, I am glad that I am not like that." The truth is though, we have heard countless stories where it is harder for a kid to have a dad physically present that rejects them in other ways. These children know that their daddy doesn't have time for them, and this hinders some of their most crucial development.

The Biblical truth is that when dads aren't present it provokes their children to anger.

Ephesians 6:4 "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."

The absence of a father hurts our children and causes them to stumble in life. Jesus warns against hurting children in Luke 17:1-2 "Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come! It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones."

Your family, however it looks, is the most important ministry that you have as a man. Once YOUR CHILD was conceived he or she became part of your life calling.

Fathering your children is way more important than any hobby you might have. Your children are even more important than any job or career you are pursuing.

Neglecting our fathering responsibilities is direct disobedience to God and we will answer to Him for this. I want to encourage you to obey God in this. Be involved as a dad physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! Maybe you are thinking "well I already messed up." Today is the day to start working on restoration of your relationship. Reconcile with your children. Keep reconciling.

Maybe you didn’t have a good dad and you struggle with knowing how to be a good dad, then you get the privilege to learn from a bunch of good dads. You can pick and choose the areas that you want to incorporate in your fathering experience! Take time to learn from other men on how to be a good dad by reading books, listening to preaching and Christian podcasts, watching and seeking advice from other dads, etc.

If you had a good dad practice the areas that he did well in when raising you.

I encourage you to use this season of Father’s Day to do a reality check on your fathering presence. To be sure of your presence in your child's life take the fathering presence quiz below!

FATHERING PRESENCE QUIZ

How present are you with your children?

• Physically - I am physically present with my kids. I live with my kids.

• Physically+ Plus - I am intentionally physically present with my kids. I am in the house or around them as much as possible. I play with my kids. I snuggle with my kids. I attend my kids events. I cheer my kids on.

• Mentally - I am mentally present with my kids. My mind is not somewhere else all of the time. I am not constantly focused on something else. I strive to be mentally present with them. I talk to them about what matters to them. I have an open line of communication with my kids. I help them think through things they are struggling with. I encourage them regularly. I challenge my kids to reach their fullest potential in a loving and caring way.

• Emotionally - I am emotionally present with my kids. I help them process their emotions. I comfort them when they are struggling with something. My presence helps their confidence during highly emotional times. I guide my kids in their emotional relationships. I help guide them to turn their emotional struggles towards a positive direction.

• Spiritually - I am spiritually present with my kids. I tie in discipling my kids with every day occurrences. I pray for my kids regularly. My kids hear me pray for them often. I talk to my kids about God. I live out my faith in front of my kids. I provide resources and opportunities for my kids to grow in their faith! I ask my kids about their relationship with God. I strive to make God a real thing in our home and not just something we do on Sundays as a volunteer or because mom or dad serves in the ministry.

So, the question is how did you do on the quiz?

If you did great, then keep going! If you did poorly, then today is the day to change!

Here are some quick tips to be a more involved dad this Father’s Day:

• Pray with your children everyday.

• Discuss God’s Word with your children on a regular basis.

• Ask them about personal areas of their lives.

• Take them on dates regularly such as one a month or once a quarter.

• Work through a book or devotional with them.

• Go to their games or events.

• Spend time playing with the things they like such as legos, board games, baby dolls, video games, toys, etc.

• Play sports with them.

• Take them and do your hobby’s with you - golf, shooting, hunting, fishing, barbecuing, playing basketball, working out, woodworking, working on the car, etc.

• Take them on trips with you when possible.

• Ask their advice on real life issues and validate that advice.

• Tie the Bible into conversations when you see or hear something worldly and discuss how they should handle that situations as a Christian.

• Cut back on your work schedule if it is taking time from your family time.

• Try to take a family day off every week without any interruptions - focus exclusively on them!

• Listen to Christian content around them - music, podcasts, preaching, Christian movies, etc.

• Tell them you love them everyday.

• Kiss and hug them as much as possible.

• Pray with them about urgent matters.

• Don’t belittle things that are a big deal to them. Work through it with them.

• Walk them through significant and insignificant life changes - and men don't be afraid to be involved in your daughters growth as much as possible.

• Help guide them to the right college, the right job, the right spouse, etc. BE INVOLVED IN THEIR GROWNUP DECISIONS! Not coddling them, but encouraging and helping them, to ensure they get put on a path of success. We have seen so many parents work so hard with their children until they are 18 and then just let them go. Don’t do this!

• Make sure they know that you are available to talk and are present in their life!

We can all improve in our fathering presence! Fathering doesn’t end at 18. Keep fathering your children until the day you die!

God doesn’t expect us to be perfect in fathering our children, but he does expect us to do our best! Let’s go!

One last thing, as Christians we are also called to visit other children that don't have a dad in their life. We are recruiting Christians around the country to practice "Pure religion" as advised on in James 1:27 in visiting the "fatherless and widows in their affliction." Will you join us in reaching them? Will you reach out to the fatherless this Father's Day and throughout the rest of the year? Visit lifefactors.org to find out more ways to get involved in helping fatherless families around you!

Sean & Jackie Teis

Founders of Life Factors Fatherless Ministries